A Letter to My Daughter

To the Sweetest Little Girl:

I have been wanting to write this for a while and I probably won't get to finish this right now because I can hear you through the baby monitor waking up and I didn't get in the shower like I promised myself I would. I guess we may not be going to the store like I planned, but I decided this was more important. You are almost ten months old. We have spent a year and a half together. I have toted you around everywhere I have gone, except for one girls night a few dates with your dad. For the first ten months you really did go everywhere and in ways that was easier because you were safe inside me, I didn't have to worry that you would miss me or that you would get hurt trying to stand all by yourself. In there if you purposefully whacked your head on a door it didn't hurt everything was mushy and soft. That's not how it is out here. You climb into fireplaces and you hit your head against walls and fall out of highchairs and strollers and you make me scared all the time. But you want to know something funny? When I was pregnant with you, I was scared all the time. I was scared that my body wasn't good enough, that I was going to lose you, that I wouldn't be a good mom when you got here. And now you're hear and I can hear you laughing in your crib and I am reminded how much you love me, but I am still scared all the time.

I want to start by letting you now how loved you are. Your dad and I love you so much. I want you to know that I know you are destined for great things. You are amazing and so incredibly sweet. I can't believe how fast you're growing, before I know it you'll be having babies of your own. Try not grow up too fast, because one day you'll wish you could take nap and play with toys instead of doing dishes, picking up toys, and paying bills. You have a great and exciting life ahead of you and I can't wait for you to live it! One day you'll get to be bossy big sister, the pretend princess, and the thrower of tea parties. You'll get to teach your little brothers and sister how to everything because you'll do it first. You will blossom into a beautiful young girl and you'll be begging me to let you wear makeup and high heels, but give your mom a break, because even though you'll be ready for those things, I'll be having a panic attack that your so grown up. Be patient, you will have plenty of years to wear makeup and dread those heels.

Then a little further down the road you'll meet a boy and you will think you're in love. Everything will be so exciting, but slow down, baby girl. Trust me, I've been there. He is sweet and nice and thinks you're amazing (which you totally are) but be careful sweetie, I know you are a lover like I am, but be careful with your heart, don't give it to just anyone. Slow down and ask yourself if he is the right kind of boy or if you just like him because he's cute and is interested in you. It is alright to hold out for a good one. Your teenage years might be rough, mine were, you might having a fighting spirit like your mom and a temper like your mom, but try to have a little of your dads levelheadedness and try to walk away when you get mad like he does. Know that I love you and I want to be your best friend, but sometimes I will have to be the bad guy, but know that I am doing it out of love, I'm trying to do whats best for you. I will make mistakes and do the wrong thing a lot, but I love you and I'm trying. So even though those years are tough, I know you'll grow up right. Let church be a part of that. Go to Young Women's because when you have a hard time with me you can find friends there and they will help you grow up right too.Read the Book of Mormon while you are a teenager, and pray about it. Do this while you're young because it gets harder as you get older. Prepare yourself for a mission even if you don't think you'll go on one. It will help you even if you don't go. Know that even if you make mistake you can always be forgiven and you can always talk to me, I will not judge you or be ashamed of you, because I have probably made the same mistake. I will help you, I promise.

Then, one day, further down your journey, you'll will move out and move on to bigger and better things. I will cry, just know that and be ready for it, and even if you can't wait to get away from me, you will feel sad too even if you don't cry. I will be so happy for you and so proud of you. I will live through you and your exciting adventures-whatever they may be! Just make you call home and send pictures. Just remember when you think that your mom is lame and never did anything cool like you that you were my biggest adventure and I loved every minute. Then, a few year later you introduce everyone to a man (not a boy) who you are so in love with and we will all see it in your face. We will be overjoyed when he proposes to you! We will be excited for your future and for the fun time in your life that you are about to experience. The newlyweds days are the best and some of the hardest. But first we will be excited for the wedding, especially me because I LOVE weddings, this one I will love the most because it's yours! I will cry, oh how I will cry, and we will laugh and hug and it will be amazing! Try not to stress, because the details are not important, what is important is that you and your man are committing yourselves to each other forever. Your love is the important thing, and your going to need to remember this day because you're going to have days that suck and you need to remember the love that you feel today. So smile, really smile and be happy today because you have made the right choice. So "Choose your love and then love your choice".

Those newlywed days will be a struggle, but they are the best kind of struggle. You'll probably be poor. One Bishop told your dad and I when we were newlyweds to enjoy this time because were the richest we'll ever be! We thought he was crazy and then we started having kids and real bills started coming and we realized the truth in that statement! So enjoy your newlywed days no matter how short they are. Real love is made when the wedding is over and people stop watching and the trials come. Real love happens when you see the worst in each other and continue to love anyway. Remember that you two can overcome anything if you are willing to put in the work. Learn how to love from other amazing couples. I like to look at the prophets and their wives, but there might be a couple in your ward that you can aim to be like. Give yourself some time to find your footing as a couple before you start having babies, because it will change everything, but don't be afraid of that change. Remember that women because mommies the minute they get that positive pregnancy test and men become daddies the minute the baby is born. Be patient with your husband, this will be a stressful time for him too. but in a different way then you. You will feel inadequate and nervous about the baby's arrival, and he will be worried about money and providing for your little baby. Try to see him and understand him. Remember when that baby is born and placed on your chest we all feel different things some of us cry for fear or happiness and some of us are shocked that its finally here the moment you've been waiting for. And I will be there for you in whatever way you need or want me to be.

When drive home from the hospital your husband will probably drive really slow. Don't get mad at him, remember that he is afraid to drive fast because he has precious cargo. I know there will be days where you don't get dressed and you don't shower and that is totally normal. I know you will feel like you are going totally crazy and that is totally normal, but you will love your baby more than you have ever loved anything before. You will be so scared and worried all the time, welcome to motherhood. Let me help you, I will not judge you ever, I promise. Call me, your mommy still wants to be apart of your crazy, hectic life and she still loves you so much.

Then, one day much further down the road, I will leave you and you'll have to brave this crazy world without me. Remember how much love I have for everyone-especially you, your daddy, your brothers and sister, and your children. Remember, sweetie that you were an angel in my life. You made your mommy want to be and do better and you were her greatest adventure. I loved every moment with you, from holding you down and wiping your bum, to 2am feedings, to those gorgeous smiles, to fight with you as a teenager, to watching you grow into a beautiful woman.


With all the love in the world,

Mommy

Welcome Back

I haven't blogged since Macy was born practically. I have been busy, and I don't think anyone actually looks at my blog anyway so what's the point? That's what I've been asking myself. I'm never going to be a big blogger who has 10,000 people look at each one of her inspiring blog posts, but today I don't care if anyone reads this. At church they tell us that we should keep a journal, and maybe that's what this is, maybe this will be my place I go so I don't tear my husbands head off on a daily basis. This is where I can be dramatic and slightly philosophical. You know when you open some really old journal that someone kept a hundred years ago and you read all their darkest fear and biggest dreams and every other tiny thing they had to say, how did it not bother them that no one would ever see that, except that you're reading it so that's someone, right? Do you know know what I mean? Maybe you don't haha. Well one dream I have that I have never shared before is this: I want to write something, something that will be seen and read and loved, and I want it to inspire someone or at least evoke some emotions that will make them sit there when they are finished reading. They sit there because they don't know what to do next. I don't know what, maybe a novel or a short story, I don't know what, but I just want to make other people feel, feel the way other have made me after reading something moving.

Maybe my children will read this someday. Maybe I'll have passed on, and they will find my blog or a printed version of it and they will learn something new about their mommy. They'll realize that I wasn't just the lady who kissed their boo-boos and made them breakfast, and rocked them to sleep at night. I was a person who loved to make others feel.

Well now that this had turned slightly depressing, I just want to say that writing or typing makes me feel whole. Whole in a way that only the best things in life bring. And that's it.