Exciting Things

Recently, there have been a lot of downs in our lives, but we are trying to look to the bright side and see what good comes out of this sad time. For me this has been something that has not been easy. I am just starting to see through the storms so to speak. Writing about my pain on this blog and talking with friends has been quite healing.

We actually have some exciting times coming up! First, I am graduating from college with my Bachelors degree in University Studies this month!! In fact I have a count down! Check it out!

I can't believe there is only 21 days left! I was actually going through what I have left until the end of the semester homework and project wise and there is very little left, it is really exciting!!

Second, my whole family is coming up here for my graduation! We haven't had both sides of the family together since our wedding two years ago! It will be so much fun to see everyone! I have such wonderful people in my life and I am so happy that everyone is coming to see me graduate! I feel so blessed!

Third, Robbie's brother D'angelo is getting married to an awesome girl named Alex on August 3rd! We are so excited for them! It really takes me back to our wedding!

Fourth, we're going to Hawaii!!!! Woo!! So excited for a proper vacation!!! I also have a count down for this one haha

Hawaii is going to be so amazing! We will be celebrating my father-in-law's 50th birthday! He definitely knows how to throw himself quite the party ;-) So excited!

After we get home from Hawaii we will be headed back to Idaho, but not back to school. Robbie will be doing an internship at his Grandpa's cattle ranch. Robbie has made a big career change and decided not to apply for medical school. Crazy right?! So we (well, Robbie will do the hard part haha) will be spending the end of the harvest and fall season with them and get everything ready for the winter and to move the cows to California. Then we will come back up here to Rexburg for the Winter semester (January-April). Then, Robbie will graduate with his bachelors degree in Microbiology! Woo! Go Robbie! Then we will head back to the Ranch and work there for awhile. That's all the plan we have for now haha. We are very excited for the possibilities and the new opportunities that have opened themselves up to us! Just goes to show that we are not in control of our lives and the Lord is! Really, though He does a MUCH better job than I could ever do, His plan is always the best one!

So grateful for all the amazing angels in our lives. People have really been angels in our lives the past few months and I have never been so grateful for the things I have. I am trying to understand the Lord's plan for me and I am trying to do what He wants me to do. One of wisest people I know (Robbie) has taught me to be positive and happy with what you have been given! Nothing is mine, they are all gifts from the Lord even my time and I am so grateful!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings and letting me vent. I hope I can help someone with the things I have been through some day. Love you all!!

Hard Topics

So it's been awhile since my last post. We have had a lot going on in our family lately.

For those of you who don't know I had a miscarriage a little over a month ago. We were so excited to finally be expecting. We had been waiting until the time was right. I was about 13 weeks pregnant when we received the news that I had lost the baby. There were a lot of health and other kinds of complications that made these difficult during those first few weeks. I had what they call an incomplete molar pregnancy. I have been going in for weekly blood draws while the doctors monitor me and hopefully in a few weeks I will only have to do this monthly. They have told us we will probably have to wait three to six months before trying to conceive again.

I am a writer, its what I do, I'm good with words, but there are no words for what we have been through. I know many of women have been through this same thing and many families have experienced much worse, but I still wonder why this had to happen to our family. I don't really know what to say except that I am sad and disappointed.

I had a very special experience that I would like to share. When I was about 11 weeks pregnant I went in to see my doctor for my 12 week appointment. I was leaving town and would be gone for over a week so I scheduled my appointment early. This is the appointment that the doctor will try to hear your baby's heartbeat on a Doppler. My doctor tried for about 15 minutes with no luck to find a heartbeat. He then offered me an ultrasound because he knew that many women would become very worried that something was wrong. This was right in the middle of finals and I knew we didn't have time. Robbie and I both had classes in less than 30 minutes and I was leaving the next morning to go out of town. I told him that didn't have time and that I didn't want to do it without my husband. I then had this overwhelming feeling that everything was ok, that my baby was fine and I need not worry. Seems unfair, right? That what I thought right after I found out that I lost the baby two weeks later. I had lost my baby around 8 weeks and there were never any physical signs. It took a little time before I realized that I feeling I had received that day in the doctor's office was a gift. I was not lied to that day, but comforted and prepared for a time of grief that was coming up shortly. My baby is alright, he or she never had to come to this world and while I don't understand everything I know this baby is in heaven with our Heavenly Father. Everything is ok, life continues on and we can carry on with that grief and the love for that child that could have been.

I know many people think that at 8 weeks when my baby passed that he or she wasn't even alive yet. I am here telling you that that baby was, in fact, a baby and much more than an embryo. There was a feeling of life and I felt different. It was not just hormones, but it was the feeling of being close to heaven. I'm sure that many women who have had a child could explain this to you, even in those early weeks.

I'm sorry if this post made you feel uncomfortable or if you don't agree with the things I have said, but this is part of my healing process and, frankly, you don't have to read this. This is my safe, personal space. You are welcome to leave comments, but please only kind and supportive ones. This is not the time for political discussions. Please only leave uplifting comments.

I also want to thank all of the amazing people in my life who have helped Robbie and I. We appreciated all the great dinners and flowers and sweet words of comfort. We are truly blessed with some amazing friends and family. We love you all!